My...M....Heart

I have been working on a poem for a while. This poem was touching for me because writing it meant I had to relive some past experiences that I was going through and that touched me in a way that I will never forget. Memories have a way of making life seem surreal sometimes and this is one of those times. Opening and sharing how I am really feeling is something I have been experiencing since that moment I felt like life was really wonderful and freeing. Finally the oxygen that I am breathing is really sentimental and as momentous as everything was made to be. No longer do I feel as if I don’t matter. No longer do I yearn to feel the raw emotions that every being around me somehow embellishes. Because I have learned how to feel and how to look at myself in the mirror and truly love myself first; and when I think of all that is and has changed within me; I am overcome with the peace of mind that I was so scared to get lost in but at the same time that sense of melancholy and grief lingers silently and constantly anytime I am alone and lamenting the past. I love so deep and selfishly that it becomes a drug to me and then I get intertwined with wanting and needing to feel, touch, see anything that’s associated with that one particular love. Then it leaves and I am left standing and feeling all alone again. My Heart As I sit here thinking about love so true My face is wet with tears past due What infinite sadness what total lack of courage What misplaced bravery What pain and suffering my heart and “loving” has Put me through. I wish I was strong like I use to be Before love and pain weakened me It hurts it stabs like a sharp blade As the memories we shared were snatched away And are continuously and forcefully made to fade…. In this present moment of reality while these sentimental Feelings remain dormant inside of me My heart, O my heart I cry out to you silently It is the lack of his love which brings me sorrow It is the need for his love that leaves my heart in pain Yet he is not mine he was never mine he will never be mine O my poor heart How can I make you see reason When all you do is show me the truth.

Bloggers mind

 

I don’t want you to describe something I’m not. I don’t want to hide the hopes that I have. I just want  to enjoy what’s meant to enjoy....

OK now that I have the time to visit my blog page I decided to try to reach out and visit other blog pages just to see what's going on with other people around the world. Some of these people that I have visited haven't posted anything for a while ( myself included) LOL...anyhow I can't help but wonder if maybe these "co-bloggers" have either let life have its way with them or they just do not find this whole blogging thing worth the time.

As humans we all like to be accepted in society even if it is a blogging society.

 We all are uniquely made individuals who have different attributes that contribute to make a society, "the blogging" society come together as whole or divide slowly but surely and separate. And that's the thing you have to remember about being in these blog societies, you can't find yourself getting so caught up in gaining followers and being better than someone else because we are all here for the same reason..BLOGGING! And  if you are not careful the only person worth your time will be  you. What may make you the most intriguingly popular individual with all these "untouchable blog awards" that will never ever amount to anything..... may also be the thing that brings out the same attribute in someone else that draws people to them and away from you. This continues on forever and will always be for centuries to come. To be  frank its called popularity with the masses. Gaining the eye of anyone. Consuming yourself and your time with something that was merely and expression of yourself,and a way to open up and be free no matter what. You found yourself always checking to see who commented or who imaginatively patted your back for something you probably sat up for days to write, mind you, you were not getting any residuals or any compensations for the long nights and tireless efforts you put into the whole facade that you have now created within; that has you hungry for the attention from followers who's compliments aren't enough because you need more! Before you know it you have created a personality that was a desperate attempt to reinvent yourself....you need to feel needed you need this feeling of people giving you attention that you have come to drink in like a cool glass of lemonade on a hot summer day! But its no longer like it use to be. There is someone better than you who can capture the minds of others in a way that keeps them grasping for just a little flirt of what may be brewing in their minds that they have no way to express on their own yet; so they flock to you to learn you, to study you, to be inspired by you, to gain strength from you, to write somewhat like you, to find the courage to break away from you, to intrigue minds like you, use words the right way like you, and to finally......to draw an audience of their own to themselves without knowing.....just..like..you.....and the cycle continues.

A new me

Well yestereday I celebrated another birthday! yay! and I enjoyed every minute of it. I was not sad at all I was in fact excited and full of good cheer. And today I am still feeling good. But today I have decided to do a little self searching and find out why some things in my life are the way that they have been. I was always feeling down up until my birthday because that was also the day my older sister passed seven years ago but you know I thought and as I was preparing myself to be moody and melancholy I actually could'nt do it! I had so much goodness stewing up from getting to go home for thanksgiving and seeing my family that I have not seen in seven years that there was no room for being down. So that's why I am deciding now that every year around this time I am going to be the most happiest and grateful person that anyone will ever encounter. Now another thing that I am thinking about is getting my inspiration and drive back to paint and write like I use too. I have been through so much emotionally and physically the past 7 months I have lost loved ones that were near and dear to me. I have been hurt and used until the point I started to doubt myself and who I was and why I even existed.  I can't say that I understand why people can build you up just to open you up to them and then knock you down so far that you don't think you can get back up. Almost to the point that you forget that you have other people in your life that support you and have always been there for you. I consider myself a very loyal friend and if anyone I am close with cannot see that than that 's there loss.Some people are so selfish that they do and say things that actually make them look ignorant just to portray an image that is not there's and shows how shallow minded they really are. Now I am getting time to myself and my family I just don't seem motivated to even read like I use too. But I have decided to deal with things as they happen and then once its been recognized there is no carry over. I refuse to take anymore doggy bags full of leftover problems home with me or to keep in my mind. Once I am full in the trash it goes! I am taking a stand over my life! I am a healthy strong minded individual and nothing or no one can take that away from me. I am living my life to the fullest and anyone is more than welcome to join me.I  am going to get things back for myself and nothing or no one will ever again take that away from me. Yes, I'm coming back even smarter and even more fierce so watch out!