A new me

Well yestereday I celebrated another birthday! yay! and I enjoyed every minute of it. I was not sad at all I was in fact excited and full of good cheer. And today I am still feeling good. But today I have decided to do a little self searching and find out why some things in my life are the way that they have been. I was always feeling down up until my birthday because that was also the day my older sister passed seven years ago but you know I thought and as I was preparing myself to be moody and melancholy I actually could'nt do it! I had so much goodness stewing up from getting to go home for thanksgiving and seeing my family that I have not seen in seven years that there was no room for being down. So that's why I am deciding now that every year around this time I am going to be the most happiest and grateful person that anyone will ever encounter. Now another thing that I am thinking about is getting my inspiration and drive back to paint and write like I use too. I have been through so much emotionally and physically the past 7 months I have lost loved ones that were near and dear to me. I have been hurt and used until the point I started to doubt myself and who I was and why I even existed.  I can't say that I understand why people can build you up just to open you up to them and then knock you down so far that you don't think you can get back up. Almost to the point that you forget that you have other people in your life that support you and have always been there for you. I consider myself a very loyal friend and if anyone I am close with cannot see that than that 's there loss.Some people are so selfish that they do and say things that actually make them look ignorant just to portray an image that is not there's and shows how shallow minded they really are. Now I am getting time to myself and my family I just don't seem motivated to even read like I use too. But I have decided to deal with things as they happen and then once its been recognized there is no carry over. I refuse to take anymore doggy bags full of leftover problems home with me or to keep in my mind. Once I am full in the trash it goes! I am taking a stand over my life! I am a healthy strong minded individual and nothing or no one can take that away from me. I am living my life to the fullest and anyone is more than welcome to join me.I  am going to get things back for myself and nothing or no one will ever again take that away from me. Yes, I'm coming back even smarter and even more fierce so watch out!

Misses and wishes

Today is a special day for me but I woke up feeling the same as I usually do. I know I should be thankful for seeing another year, oh! I forgot to mention that it is my birthday. But I have all these emotions and I am trying to keep a positive outlook on my life and many more years to come for me. I can't help but to be sad because this is the day that my older sister passed away and I guess that's why when someone tells me happy birthday I can't truely be happy because that happiness that I remember was bypassed by everyones sadness on this day 5 years ago. I can't feel happiness when all I can remember is sadness. Its rough and I know its been 5 years but I don't think its fair that in order for anyone to remember my birthday they will never forget it because it was the day that a wonderful beautiful angel  was called home to be with the lord.  I miss my sister very much and I am deeply saddened because she was the only one who was always more happier than I was when it was even close to my birthday. I wish she was here to tell me happy birthday and to make me smile like she always did. I wrote a poem in memory of her and I managed to finish it even while I was crying. This poem is for you Tinka I miss you so much and I know you are with me even when I feel alone. I love you.

Emerge

In a sense her life is shown
through a lense....

in a series of lessons,
that will leave permanent depressions.

Lessons of love and pain,
of truth and despair;
some are forgotten
some repeatedly prepare;

her being to handle with delicate care,
while destined for a youthful escape
leaving the sheltered quarters of
child-like familiar places...

Emerging beauty reveals the wisdom and the
woman she has become.

She emerges tall and toned and heavy boned,
strong yet gentle with a speck of complex,
she can be the head of her household,
while she controls the neck.

Full lips and brown sugar skin,
contributes from many generations of ethnic women.

She can love you and still be hateful,
she is caring blessed and sincerely grateful,
of the heritage that was passed down generationally,
and will continue to define who she is eternally.