My...M....Heart

I have been working on a poem for a while. This poem was touching for me because writing it meant I had to relive some past experiences that I was going through and that touched me in a way that I will never forget. Memories have a way of making life seem surreal sometimes and this is one of those times. Opening and sharing how I am really feeling is something I have been experiencing since that moment I felt like life was really wonderful and freeing. Finally the oxygen that I am breathing is really sentimental and as momentous as everything was made to be. No longer do I feel as if I don’t matter. No longer do I yearn to feel the raw emotions that every being around me somehow embellishes. Because I have learned how to feel and how to look at myself in the mirror and truly love myself first; and when I think of all that is and has changed within me; I am overcome with the peace of mind that I was so scared to get lost in but at the same time that sense of melancholy and grief lingers silently and constantly anytime I am alone and lamenting the past. I love so deep and selfishly that it becomes a drug to me and then I get intertwined with wanting and needing to feel, touch, see anything that’s associated with that one particular love. Then it leaves and I am left standing and feeling all alone again. My Heart As I sit here thinking about love so true My face is wet with tears past due What infinite sadness what total lack of courage What misplaced bravery What pain and suffering my heart and “loving” has Put me through. I wish I was strong like I use to be Before love and pain weakened me It hurts it stabs like a sharp blade As the memories we shared were snatched away And are continuously and forcefully made to fade…. In this present moment of reality while these sentimental Feelings remain dormant inside of me My heart, O my heart I cry out to you silently It is the lack of his love which brings me sorrow It is the need for his love that leaves my heart in pain Yet he is not mine he was never mine he will never be mine O my poor heart How can I make you see reason When all you do is show me the truth.

The reality of it all

I have been on a journey and it has been a very emotional one. I have'nt had time for anyone not even myself for that matter. I have been working and the hours of my job were very long and I can't help but wonder if it was done intentionally. Needless to say I have met a lot of interesting people and I can't say that they were all very pleasant to be around. If you notice I said "WERE" when describing my hours because Im no longer employed due to my own decison to leave. I had some things that I was dealing with and one of them was not being able to be home with my kids at dinner time, not being able to go to any of my teenager daughter and sons games and not being able to be there for my children when they needed me. I was basically a workaholic by no choice of my own. My children made sure I knew that as well. My husband was also bringing his work home trying to compensate for me not being here when I was needed. Dinner was mostly pizza and take-out and by the time I finally made it home all I wanted a shower and bed just to get up and start the whole thing all over again.This was a never-ending cycle for 6 months until I woke up one morning when I had to be at the office a little later than usual and sat on my bed trying to persuade myself to get dressed and go to work. I couldn't do it anymore. Now my husband and I had a coversation the night before and one of the things he asked me was who are you doing this for? It was then I realized that I didn't know why I was working so much he never told me that our lives depended on me working afterall I had not worked in five years and now I'm hitting the workforce with full force....why? He also said that he has always made my decisions for me and this time he was going to let me make this one for me because this is your life and this is your journey and whatever is going on with you or whatever your dealing with I can't decide or change that for you. And now I'm back sitting on my bed the next morning trying to persuade myself why I should get up and return to my job. It was hard but I managed to go in and finish my morning calls and then go to lunch only to not return. And that is the short version of why I am able to pick up where  I left off with my blog. So I am happy to be back!!!! and I have so much going on now because I now have a new appreciation for my life. I have'nt done any writings and I have a painting I have been working on but its not quite complete. I want to write a poem for it.....sooooooo....stay tuned!!!

A few words

It has been a very very busy, frustrating ,mind boggling, few months on top of writing. I sometimes have to pinch myself and then take a deep breath because the things that have been happening to me must be preparing me for something wonderful to happen at any moment in my life. I have been having a squirrel eating at my pipes in my attic and causing major leaks in my ceiling. Its been going on for almost 4 months now and I must say that critter is very crafty! He lives in the pecan tree outside my bedroom window and when I open my window he seems to always be right there still and looking at me with a little smirk on his face as if to say, "You can't catch me no matter how hard you try!" I don't want to harm him in anyway but keeping him around is very expensive! he has put a halt to all my decorating plans and we finally had to tell .Donna my furniture dealer  to hold off on ordering us any more furniture for our home because I am afraid that it will get ruined by that crafty squirrel! We are determined to get that little menace if its the last thing we do! I have worked on my book some but not as much as I would like at the moment because I also have two trips to plan for my family (kids are coming with us)  and making things fall into place without  conflicting schedules is very, very tricky because I am the only one who has the most time to make plans and phone calls. Oh, I forgot to mention that I am having guest coming to visit this summer  which is also the reason I am redecorating my home as well as the now 4th  bedroom I  have since my oldest son has moved out.I am also having to go back and put my feminine touch on what has already been done because while I was given time by my dear hubby to write and let him take some time from work and take care of everything else. I did not know that he would really take care of EVERYTHING ELSE meaning the decorating that I now have time to observe because of that menacing squierrel. I now have a home that looks like a bachelors home with a mancave. Which also explains why my hubby is really hanging around the house more. ( hey... wait a minute! This issue will be discussed because there is a question about my style going on here! LOL!)  Then when it seems I finally have time to relax and sit down with no interruptions, that's when the joys of motherhood scream in my ear..literally... and having two teenagers who act like the world is falling apart when they have a problem that is so simple solve that it doesn't even need to be discussed and a seven year old who is constantly trying to figure out ways to put band aids on any part of his body while running around naked (he must get that from his fathers side of the family) leaves me wanting to be that little squirrel that does whatever he pleases and has to answer to no one and is happy as a kid with a big bag of candy! Well that's enough of that I have to go call my daughters friend's mother because she wants her to spend St. Patricks day with us and go to the festival since she has to work and it is considered a holiday here and the schools are closed I guess its OK. I mean I don't have anything to do.....LOL!