Sunday, August 29, 2010
over doing it
My husband has really been paying attention to me since I have been on this "Hike to good Health". He pays attention to everything I wear and he even made a comment about how my behind has firmed up drastically! (LOL) I think that was a first coming from him. But then there is my mom and sister who know me from the inside out and are starting to question the real reasons why I have been making running my priority. I really don't have a reason as to why I feel the need to run but my mom thinks its something bothering me because she says that I sound different when she talks to me and every time she calls I can't talk because I'm getting ready to go running or I just don't answer because that's always my excuse. I am not perfect by no means and I tend to get clueless to the real world sometimes, but why is it every time I decide to do something different in my life everybody that knows me feels the need to examine my actions and reasoning behind anything I do? This includes my husband. Its almost like there is a "big secret" about Latresa that I don't know about. I'm not fragile! The last time I checked I was in perfect health and this was two weeks ago. My mom and my sister think I am over doing it but I don't think so. My husband says I should ease up a bit just because he called me one day right when I had just finished running 2 and half miles, and I was trying to catch my breath while trying to talk to him. I have children I am not a child!
My mom finally asked me the other day. "What is the real reason you are running so much?" I told her because it makes me feel good and I like all the added benefits behind it. She then asked me what has my doctors said about it? I told her that they are OK with it in fact they think it's a great idea that I have decided to incorporate running as part of my healthy lifestyle change. Once I told her this I know that she wasn't satisfied but she didn't ask anymore questions and that was the end of that. That being said I really never looked into why I decided to start running until now. I think I know what really makes me push myself to do it and that is the fact that the issues of abandonment that was present in my life makes me continue to find an outlet and a situation that I can control and that happens to be running.
I know I said earlier that I didn't have a reason but since I have this time to think about it I guess I was wrong. When I run I imagine I am running away from all the hurt. I run and run so long and fast that by the time I feel like stopping I am feeling so much better than I did before I started. Because before I start running the tears are already streaming down my face, but wind and time dries them and I start to feel determination and my breathing is meditation to me. That is all I can focus on because; always at the end of my runs I want to feel that sense of being complete and knowing that I did not let anything interfere with completing my run.That's me being in control and that's why I consider myself a runner now.I thank god for my friends that are here for me and when I need them they are here for me. But why do I let this feeling overcome me? I am strong and I can handle what is thrown to me because I have been through some battles but when someone doesn't love me back it hurts like I am a child again and I should be crying crocodile tears. Like I have this constant lump in my throat because I am holding back tears and sobs. I don't know what to do but I know that I will be alright and I know for a fact that it will get better with time.
at 8:34 PM