Sunday, August 15, 2010

Ever Eternal

 By Latresa Ivy

It was a sunny day outside and the Janna decided that she wanted to go to the park and read one of the books she had recently purchased on i books. This was such a cool app that she downloaded on the I Phone that her husband had surprised her with, earlier in the year a few weeks after Valentines Day. She and her husband decided long ago that Valentines Day was not an important event in the 11 years that they were married; but she couldn't help but wonder how that particular day could make a difference every year it came around. As she sat there on the park bench wondering a Friend book friend request popped up.
She wasn't to hasty to accept it because most of the people she had accepted on there were not people she was really acquainted with, she just knew of them. In fact, she really didn't get much posting activity on her wall at all from the 97 friends that she had. How would this one make a difference? As she finished up the second chapter in the book she was reading, the Friend request popped up again for the 5th time. By this time she was a little annoyed and so she decided to open it and push the “ignore” button. After all, nobody really posted anything anyway on her page. She just felt that it would save them the trouble of prolonging the thought that she was remotely interested in being friends much less connecting on Friend Book. As she pulled up her page the friend request was surprising. Here it is, she had finished up the second chapter in a book that was very intriguing, and now the chapter in her life that she had closed long ago was just a click away from reopening. As she sat there staring at the name, she couldn't believe it! Maybe it was a joke, one of her friends were playing on her but no; because this was someone that no one knew about ever! Not even her best friend. In fact, she herself had forgotten about him and occasionally he would pop up in the back of her mind but that was it, by now he was just a thought nothing more nothing less. As she sat there reasoning with herself she finally decided to “accept” after convincing herself that he was nothing more than a thought. As the weeks went by she would check her messages frequently. Every time an alert sounded on her phone she couldn't help but anticipate the fact that he would send her a message wanting an explanation as to  why things did not go as they had planned. But everyday, nothing. She finally decided that he was one of two things; not stuck in the past like she apparently was, and waiting for some explanation that by this time has dissipated...or he was just like the rest of the people on Friend book ,on it for the popularity contest that begins once you become a part of this network. By the end of the following month she had decided that it was very selfish of her to think that he would actually send her a message wanting  anything for that matter. Who was she? He didn't owe her anything. One night as she was getting ready for bed an alert sounded on her phone. She decided to go to Friend book one last time just to check her messages and it was a message from him! As she sat there looking at his picture and his name so many memories ran through her head about the two of them.... She remembered how much they thought they were in love, and the long kisses and the plans that they made ….how they promised they would not have sex until they were married,and everything else that young couples say when they are young and in love,before they grow up in the world and come to realize it isn't easy,and the choices they make get harder and harder everyday as they start growing farther and farther a part from each other until they become a distant memory nothing more than a thought; because they have found their comfortable place in the world and that's the secure places in life that most adult humans become all to familiar with.
Janna decides to open the message, it made her feel special that someone that played an important role in the decisions she made for her life still wanted to share something with her in spite of the past. She continued sending messages to him as he did the same for her. She really didn't expect him to respond to her messages long because they were both adults and after all, it was just nice to know that he remembered her and still considered her a friend.
She was relaxing in her bed one night playing a game on her phone when another message signal popped up on her Friend page from him. She opened it with no thoughts behind it. As she read the message he also left his number at the end of it telling her to call him just so that they could catch up. She never in a million years thought that he would try to find her on a social network let alone even want to talk to her after the past that they had shared...the past that she chose to forget about and by him remaining dormant she took it as he wanted to do the same; but here he is sending her his number wanting to enter into her world that he helped shape and he didn't even know it. What did he want her to say? She was speechless then and now she was speechless again and she hadn't even called him! He always had that affect on her! Well this time she was in control she wasn't that 15 yr old naive teenager anymore. Time and education had taught her many lessons and being in control was something she learned to rule over the years. She was just going to think about it for a couple of days and then give it some consideration. A few weeks went by and calling him was always in the back of her mind. She really didn't know what to do. She decided that she needed to call him. If she didn't it was going to control her every action and that meant that he was in control once again. One quiet evening after she had put her kids to bed and everything was settled she called him. The phone rang and rang and after the forth ring she decided she was going to hang up, right before she was going to a soft yet masculine voice said, “hello”. She paused for a moment trying to gather her words and the she responded with “hello Jason, how are you?” He paused and said, ?Janna is that you?” “Yes.” was all she could get out because hearing him talk always made her melt; but she was in control, and she found it hard to keep reminding herself that. They really didn't say much at first because so many mixed emotions from their past emitted strong signals that brought on a rush of feelings that made them both feel like they wanted to explode. After what seemed like an eternity of silence between the two of them they both unknowingly asked, “Did you ever get married?” at the same time. That is how it all got started, that is what broke the tension between them. They both laughed out loud and began to tell each other about the many paths in life that they had followed. This went on for three months they both just talked about their days and their lives until they ran out of facts to tell which made it easy for the both of them to start volunteering information, things that married adults kept in the back of their minds because it really wouldn't benefit anyone if they decided to talk about it. This was something that she never had to deal with so now she and he were on a level that two “married friends” should not be on and they both knew it. There were so many questions left unanswered They both wanted to ask questions about their past together now that they were on this level. She would always ask easy questions to break the ice of silence and he would freeze it back up with a question that always caught her off guard and she couldn't answer so she just fumbled over her words and changed the subject; because the hurt that came with his questions were always to much for her. Finally, one night before he called she decided that she was going to talk to him and tell him everything that happened when they were together twenty years ago, so that she could end whatever was harboring in his mind about her and what could have been for the both of them. As they talked, she began by telling him things that he already knew like he was her first love and that she was a virgin when she met him. She also reminded him that she was impressed that even though he was four years older than her when they met she never would forget the fact that he would not have sex with her because he someday wanted to marry her and do things the right way because he cherished her and loved her so much she was his beautiful maiden. This was all said to soften what she was waiting to tell him.

She finally began to say what she really needed to say. At the time she was only fifteen she did not really know what love was. When she experienced it with him and she found out how wonderful it was she wanted everything that love had to offer. She never knew it was slowly eating at him that he knew this and she didn't feel the same way about him anymore. He was so patient with her even when she got pregnant with her first child at 16. He was there even if it wasn't his. She than explains to him that she knew it really hurt him when she asked him to take her over or then boyfriend and now husbands house one night and then come back to pick her up after wards. She wanted to cry because the hurt was so hard for her to handle but she instantly got control of herself and kept explaining and talking so as to not leave room for him to jump in and make her feel worse than she already was feeling. This had to be done and there was no room for interruptions. As she finally came to a close on airing out what she felt he needed to hear her say, he was silent. After 5 minutes she asked him to say whatever it was he wanted to say to her. He said that he wanted to know one thing, and that was why did she just disappear and never try to contact him. She began to feel that hurt all over again and this time the tears were so heavy in her eyes that they were getting sore from her trying to hold them back. she knew she had to tell him because he had a right to know. She told him to remember the night that they were alone and kissing like they always fought hard not to do because they both knew that it would lead to the one thing that they both did not want to do.

Well, this particular night the moon was full and the sky was black and she commented on how beautiful it was because they were both lying on the hood of his car looking up at it. He decided that he wanted to rub up against her as they were already hot and heavy in to their passionate kissing. She remembered that she had on a skirt that night and her favorite bikini panties that she loved to wear and they were exposed. He had his pants unzipped and his boxers moved so that they were feeling each others soft skin in their most intimate areas. As they were kissing he started to release himself and while he was using his hand to do that he was also using the same hand for rubbing inside of her with his fingers. This went on for a while neither of them thinking anything of it. As days went by she noticed that she didn't start her period and she knew he knew when she was suppose to start because they were that close. After the second week of no period she did not know what to do. She took a pregnancy test that she brought and confirmed what she already knew. She knew she had to tell him so that night when they met and he came to pick her up she started asking him easy questions about their life together and getting married. This was when she was going to ease the news of her pregnancy in. She was shocked and heart broken at his response because he replied that he did not want to get married anymore and he also didn't want kids. After that she just got quiet and didn't say much. What was she going to do? She had to figure something out because he was all that she knew about love and she was convinced that if he found out he would leave her and her world would crumble. It weighed heavily on her mind after that. She became withdrawn and she started feeling sick. That's when she started avoiding him. That's also when she had a miscarriage and vowed never to let a man control her mind as much as he did. She never wanted to talk to him again. After so many years of hanging on to the hurt he caused her for once in her life she felt a release in her mind. Now she was ready to deal with whatever he threw her way because now it was his turn to suffer. Things did not go as she planned after that emotional conversation. She figured that after she told him why she abandoned him that he would not want to talk anymore because now he had closure from her and now he could deal with the reasoning behind why she did what she did. But he did. They continued to talk and he continued to be ever so remorseful in everything he said to her. He explained that he did not ever want to lose contact with her because now they were connected for life and their friendship was eternal. She also agreed with him and they continued sharing openly everything about their separate lives with separate families with the occasional memories of the good things they shared together in the past.........

Missing You
by Latresa Buchanan-Ivy

Missing you yearning to
do all the things we use to do.

No calls on the phone..
just you and I alone.

Lying close and holding tight,
kissing and feeling so right.

In a world of our own
where we are one and alone.

I am yours you are mine..
every touch is so sublime.

And as we glide into our passionate sides,
Everything as we know subsides.

It's like the moon and stars in the sky,
we are higher and even high.

As I began to feel this is real,
In a moment where time stood still,

And I am longing to feel your touch...
the remembrance of missing you so much,

Brings back reality...
and the loneliness harboring inside of me.

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