Sunday, August 22, 2010

Wounded heart

I got up yesterday feeling really good about things and life. I think its because for once I really felt like someone was finally getting  to know me and everything that I am. I was feeling so good that I was convinced that I was going to be grounded in a  feeling that was so long ago and so rare these days that it was just not going to happen. But  I guess it is true when the older people say "too much of a good thing always turns out to bad." This is somewhat the case for me now. I think I had to finally come to the realization that things and people are only what you allow them to be. I allowed this to be I guess. I opened up a chapter in my life that no one knows about because I  chose to make it that way. It was the one chapter that I felt was so special to me that I vowed never to share it with anyone but the person that was a part of my life at the moment. But that was just it. That person knew that I was a part of his world and his alone and he chose to do what he always does to me, build me up and then break me down. that's the bad part about it. It is heart breaking when you allow a person to have that much control over you even when they chose to push you aside and not be apart of your life, just to come back and do the same thing. Its like loving something or someone so much that you would stop time just to rearrange life so that you can have one moment to remain as a constant memory to have for the rest of your life. I am so hurt and I just want to cry all day long. I feel so abandoned again. One minute everything is as it should be, and the next it's not. I would never make anyone feel this way. Maybe that's my problem, I do and think so much  for the people that mean so much to me and in actuality it doesn't have an impact on them like I feel it should. Humans are naturally selfish. We do a lot of things subconsciously out of  the basic instinct to survive. That includes hurting people just to thrive. Its funny how those type of behaviors almost seem natural but the finer details always seem to go unused. I am fined tuned to the basic details of life. I think they create the final result to the instinctual behaviors we incorporate in our everyday lives. But that's just me and that's what makes me so different  from everyone else. That is the main reason I never get too close to people because the one person that helped shape my emotions about love is still hurting me so bad that the relief of being in control of that one feeling reminds me to always pay close attention to that particular area of my wounded heart.


By Latresa Ivy

You have hurt me once before,
Always opening and closing the door,

of that world that we eternally share.
You have taken my heart and stripped it bare.

Tears falling from my face,
cleansing any and all trace,
the remembrance of kisses that were placed,
tear stained and love laced.

and now instantly dictates,
the realities that are too complicated to erase.