Eating

I think that it has finally registered in my head that I love to eat!(LOL) I'm just kidding, that's not the reason I'm blogging. It has registered in my head that I can still have everything I like to eat and still not blow up like the "Stay-puffed-marshmallow woman." I pay attention to everything I put in my mouth and I don't eat a lot of beef because my family didn't. Some people would like to associate their eating habits with what they were fed as a child, and lets face it many of us are born in families where food and eating it was the thing to do. Some of the people who came to the family gatherings may have had an issue or two with someone else in the family that was there but, the feeling of closeness always over powered a long forgotten argument once all eyes are set on the heavy laden gravy and potatoes or the cheese dripping macaroni and cheese that most family members in America are so famous for. I think this is where it all starts for the obesity that is so prevalent in today's society. Just as we learned to talk as babbies from the people who were always around in our lives; so did we learn to eat and pattern what we eat around them. I know that was my problem. I was brought up eating a lot of whole wheat and natural foods so when I started school in kindergarten and tasted my first twinkie I was amazed that something so odd looking could taste so scrumptious. My mom didn't put stuff like that in our lunch. Everything was always healthy and we had to sneak candy and brush away all traces of it before she came to pick us up from school, yes, I had to brush my teeth after lunch. (LOL) I believe that my moms intentions were good. After all, what parent doesn't want the best for their kids? Anyhow, as I began to blossom into a teenager all the money that I gotwas always spent on junk food and anything that was tasty and had lots of sugar in it. By then my mom was at the point where she started to lighten up and she started making desserts for dinner. (I still think it has something to do with that Laffy Taffy that I shared with her.) That's when my obsession started with cake. My mom would make really good spice cakes and pies but I found a cook book and made a cake called a "Candy bar cake." Ohhh! It was so heavenly I hadn't tasted anything like it. This was the best cake that I ever had! So much chocolaty goodness I didn't want to share. That's when My love of chocolate intensified and any and all chocolate was my best friend. As I talk about the foods that made me feel good while I was eating it, I want to really talk about why I was eating so much of it. I think that is the hardest thing of all to confront, feelings that you no longer are weak in and have somewhat of a control over. My life wasn't at all easy. People would come and go and because I didn't know better I allowed it. I allowed myself to be used, abused, and mistreated and talked about,and put into situations that made my life worse than what it was. when food wasn't there to accept me someone had to.That was basically what I wanted, was to feel accepted and to know that I was what I considered then "normal". Food made me feel that way. It never judged me or left me or kicked me when I was down. I continued feeling this way about myself and food well into my marriage. I was so obsessed with it that I became distant from friends and family. What really started to open my eyes was one day we were in the store and I had just had my second son, my husband and I were checking out I turned to the side shelves with the candy and gum on them and grabbed about six candy bars. My husband looked at me and said,"why do you feel you have to get some many candy bars every time we go to the grocery store?" that was then I knew inside that I wasn't invisible somebody was paying attention to me. I just did not want to deal with the reason nor did I feel like I owed anyone anything. I just acted like I didn't hear him and I continued checking out. This continued for seven years me eating out of control along with going through the stresses of school along with the "baby weight" that I also acquired. I got up to a size 22 in misses! and I was originally a size 9. I remember people coming up to me and asking me are you having another baby? That's when I ate my last whole "chocolate truffle cake" and said, "I need to do something about myself." I started counseling to help figure out why I was eating the way that I was and the conclusion came to this, I was eating away the self esteem issues I had with myself, that came from the hurt I felt because of my dad not wanting to be a part of my life when I was such a young child....I was traumatized. I was eating because the last thing that I did when I felt the way that I did was... eat. By eating in my mind, I would replay those events and somehow the chance to change those unhappy events would emerge and I would make things right because I was in control. That's why I ate. I confronted those issues with my husband and it was not easy. It took years for me to feel like I was "normal" but, I held on until the end. My mom was there for me as well and so was my older sister before she passed. I can't say that things are fantastic! and I am on top of the world!....but... what I can say is I am excited about the choice I made and that is to live.. and I am thankful for people not giving up on me cause I know I can be a handful. I have my days when I want to cry all day but I know that I have to be strong for my kids and they keep me so busy that I don't have time to cry. (LOL) My life is not my own it all belongs to god, I gave it to him when I was going through radiation 4 years back. I love that I can see the paths that he has set for me and that their are so many good ones to follow and I now that each one that I take I want be alone because he will always be there walking right beside me.